


L'amour ivre

by 1kyneee



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Secrets, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Smoking, Triggers, bobby is a sweetheart ok, i love junbob
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 16:38:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15344007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1kyneee/pseuds/1kyneee
Summary: When Junhoe’s being shunned and pushed aside, he seeks comfort and reassurance by engaging in toxic behaviors. One glittery night, he sinks to the lowest as he splinters into shards, and exposes the utmost fragile side of himself when Jinhwan gets to see the wrecked and shattered youngster that had been suppressed behind the face of the perkiest and most beaming smile.





	1. Á fleur de toi

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter one - Á fleur de toi by Slimane.
> 
> Trigger warnings: Self-harm and mental illness.

Junhoe’s eyes were fixed to the lustrous glass. None of the members were present, and he was left by himself with the reassuring darkness in the empty flat. He shut his weighty eyelids, and he could then perceive how the vivid sounds of innumerable of showery droplets hit the window with a prodigious might, the soft radio buzz and the splashes created a bolstering sound, a tune just as exquisite as a poignant, murmuring hum. As the rain trickled down pitilessly upon the city, the specks of crimson oozed out of his faint skin. He had been dominated by his own emotions, which fragmented him and lead him to drop into a colliery of anguish and sorrow.

The shrill cry of his telephone cut through the solitary night as it irrupted the silence, like wheels screeching on metal rails. Junhoe gaped at the glitzy screen for a moment, hesitating before moving the bloodstained tip of his finger to press on the replying button. Soon the voice of his redeemer echoed in the room like the shrieks of gunshots, penetrating agonizingly into his physique.

“Hm, Jinhwan-hyung?” Junhoe’s voice came out croaky.

“Junhoe!” The disembodied, silvery voice shouted from the other line. “Why aren’t you here?” Jinhwan asked.

“I’m not feeling well, hyung.” Junhoe replied with a heavy heart.

“If only you came with us then you– Ya, Hanbin! Get off of me!” He cut himself off mid-sentence. Junhoe could hear how Jinhwan giggled heartfully. It was like an amiable melody to his ears, yet Junhoe’s blues wouldn’t permit him to stretch an enthusiastic smile across his face. Instead, he reminded himself of how Hanbin had embraced Jinhwan while Jinhwan was having a jubilant time without him.

“You’re having fun without me, right?”

Jinhwan’s fizzy voice boomed in the open room. “Of course, we’re having fun!” Sometimes Jinhwan made him feel like a sinuous tributary; cold and eternal. Junhoe raised the razor blade, the sharp edges digging sharply at his limbs. He moaned as he hauled the blade transversely, observing how the blood seeped out and streamed down his arm. It felt like a thousand paper cuts; each time he could feel the sorrow drift through his veins, an additional cut would be added.

“Junhoe, are you okay?” He perceived the apprehension as he spoke.

“Mhm, I just cut myself on a piece of paper.” Junhoe lied. He could feel how his body jarred with each cut, making his eyes glacier with the polish of hot tears, yet he mauled at the inside of his cheeks to thwart himself from crying.

“Does it hurt?”

“No, I don’t feel anything anymore.”

While Junhoe and Jinhwan remained soundless for a moment, the piercing voices of the tremulous members in the background was noisy as they sang and hummed their hearts out. Jinhwan was the first to break the silence, allowing Junhoe to mark himself once again end to end with the lines of his ultimate words.

“I’m hanging up now, Junhoe, but I don’t know when we’ll be back, so...”

A bitter smile was plastered onto his face as he bit down on his flushed lips. “Don’t worry,” he said in with a brittle tone. “Have fun, hyung.” He said before tossing his telephone on his bed, making it graciously bounce before remaining motionless.

They say love will make life more beautiful, but Junhoe struggled to believe so. Jinhwan never left his mind; he’s there both emotionally and physically. Out of all the members, Junhoe grew the closets to Jinhwan; even though Jinhwan might be the eldest and Junhoe amid the youngest, they extraordinarily got along with each other. Although Junhoe could be a persistent imp that simply tended to provoke the others from time to time, and although he might be complicated to comprehend, Jinhwan always took his side and stood up for him. However, within the short span of years that they’ve known each other, Junhoe’s feelings for Jinhwan developed from companionable love to sexual attraction. He couldn’t tell when or how it began, and though he tried everything in his capacity to shun his emotions, he couldn’t get himself to do it.

Recently, Jinhwan had grown nearer and became more affectionate with the other members, however, as he grew closer with the rest, Junhoe was being unheeded and pushed away. Junhoe couldn’t grasp when he first began to analyze things to the degree where he no longer could recall the difference between what was actual and what he had formed inside of his bonce, but it merely made him feel pathetic to believe he had become foreign to Jinhwan.

He would feel Jinhwan in the air, yearned for his touch, just to reminiscence the memory of the enthralling sparks on his flesh, but instead he senses the piercing heave of the blade as it gashes the delicate skin. Harming himself had become an emotional defense mechanism in order to rid himself from his feelings; a manifestation of his inner self. Though he was hurting, the psychical pain allowed him to somehow wipe out the mental pain, leaving him with a sense of relief. Junhoe saw his reflection in the window, and he hated what he had become. A disaster, a mess. He had become a shell of a man, holding in oceans of tears. Habitually, Junhoe would turn to Jinhwan whenever he felt troubled, but seeking his help and comfort whilst being in such a destructive state of mind? He couldn’t bring himself to show his face when he felt like a tangled ball of yarn; an endless, unyielding piece of mess. Henceforward, when the others asked whether or not if he wanted to go to the karaoke café with them, he courteously declined and excused himself, stating that he wasn’t feeling well and needed some time on his own.

The thought of him feeling pity for himself made him chuckle viciously as he gazed at the cigarette between his fingers. He evoked all the cautions on how smoking was damaging for one’s health, yet he couldn’t be bothered. It had become his way of relief, his companion and reliability whenever he could feel himself sink to the nethermost. He had grown milky weary; his eyelids melted closed, woozy, woozy; his head was spinning. Junhoe’s thoughts were diminished as he huffed the noxious smoke, and let out a clouding haze through his rosy lips, eyes absorbed by how the ash speckled athwart the windowsill.

“Ashes, we all fall.”

Before Junhoe knew it, he had turned out to be the architect of his own sadness.


	2. Captain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two - Captain by Miyagi.

The vehicle was roaring loudly as they left the busy thoroughfare and turned and crept into a much narrower road, lighting up the deserted back streets, forsaken buildings scintillating once again with vivacity as they passed by. Jiwon, Donghyuk, and Jinhwan were sound asleep, pulling and adjusting their seatbelts until they felt comfortable, the remaining members were catching up on them in the van behind them. Junhoe’s eyes travelled outside the tinted window, viewing how they were being swallowed by the lonely gloom. The drizzly dewdrops fell once again, abruptly bursting with fury, and he pondered why the sky couldn’t help but cry, too. While sadness was being poured over the entire city, a reassuring thought occurred as he reminded himself of how he was sharing the same sorrow with the cold night.

An abrupt thud on his left side brought him back to his senses. Jinhwan’s petite head had abandoned the cushion on the window and substituted it with his shoulder. Though, a shriek of pain gored through Junhoe’s arm as Jinhwan’s had clutched tightly to the wounded flesh that had been covered by his jacket, causing him to baulk and hiss in his seat. The sudden movement awoke the elder, making him jolt.

“Junhoe-ah, what’s wrong?” Jinhwan asked with concern in his voice as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“Nothing, hyung, it’s nothing,” he responded with a faint smile, gesturing the elder to lean his head onto his shoulder again as he paid no heed to the doubtful look plastered onto Jinhwan’s face. Yet Jinhwan nuzzled nearer as Junhoe pulled him closer under his chin. His rough fingers ran through the delicate, mellifluous hair, and he could then feel how the tinier body calmed down under his touch. “Really, it’s nothing, Jinwhan-ie,” he muttered into his hair. He couldn’t evoke when they last sat like this, bodies flushed with the comfort of each other, both of their familiar scents mingling in the air. However, he savored each minute of the moment, fearing he wouldn’t have the opportunity to do it again anytime soon.

“Just go back to sleep,” Junhoe coaxed as he massaged the nape of Jinhwan’s neck. His eyes were once again fixed on whatever was going on outside of the window, the extravagant and flamboyant lights on the street weakly cast their sheen inside the dim car. The rain hadn’t stopped falling, and he wondered if he would be able to stop the heavy rain through his own will. Junhoe wanted to believe in a colorful world, but he then closed his heavy eyelids, and everything became temporary. The melody buzzing from the radio beckoned him in vain. 

 

»»———— ————««

 

Whenever he picked up the bargain pencil and aligned it between his fingers, he unveiled a twinkle of buoyancy; unlike the marks that stretched their way inelegantly on his body, the marks of the pencil on the paper that was left by his transgressions could be obliterated. Writing poetry had become another remedy of his; a healthier solution for himself to cope with the lonesomeness and sorrowfulness. The meek motion of drawing the pencil athwart the vacant paper as he crammed it with the profound words of whatever he had kept imprisoned inside of himself, prevented him from going insane when the whole world seemed to crumble before his mere eyes. His poetry turned his pain into couplets.

The door swelled as it was being pushed opened, the squeaking noise brought chills to Junhoe’s spine. He curved his waist to see the intruder before turning his eyes back to the notepad.

“How come your bedroom always smells this pungent? It’s suffocating in here!” Hanbin criticized, nose scrunched as he found himself making his way towards Junhoe’s bed. Junhoe, however, didn’t reply, though he was appreciative of the fact that the fragrant, sweet-scented candles had managed to occupy the odor of the persistent smoke of the cigarettes.

“You’ve been kind of absent lately, Junhoe,” Hanbin articulated after an ephemeral moment of silence. Junhoe fumbled with the pencil, mentally cursing himself for being palpable.

“Just like I told Jinhwan-hyung, I’m fine. I just need some time for myself since our comeback,” Junhoe clarified through a black lie, a falsification to manipulate and avoid the consequences of the encounter with his crisis. Again, just like Jinhwan, Hanbin hurled him a hesitant look, but instead of antagonizing him, he sighed and changed the subject, leading the conversation in another track.

“Is it another poem?” Hanbin asked enquiringly. They often shared their poetry with each other, competing about who’s the most elegiacally among the two of them. Junhoe shifted until he could face Hanbin, he hauled the notepad with him before he exchanged a look with the other, wordlessly asking whether he wanted to hear it. Hanbin nodded, and Junhoe permitted the words to stream out between his flushed lips.

“Us crashing. More than rising up together with you, I would like to crash together instead. For some reason, I would like that to happen. Rather than sharing the serenity and relaxation of rising up, I want to share the sadness and pain of crashing down. If we crash together, no matter where, I think we would really be able to realize what love is for the first time.” When Junhoe finished reading his latest poem aloud, Hanbin whistled before murmuring an inaudible ‘damn’ underneath his breath.

“That’s tragically beautiful.”

Junhoe snorted. “No, hyung, it’s just tragic.” The comment allowed a gloomy laughter to escape from Hanbin’s mouth.

“Touché.”

Yet again, no one said anything for what felt like an eternity, the stillness felt substantial and uncomfortable in the air. Junhoe didn’t know what it was, but something caused his stomach to turn upside-down, making him brace himself for whatever was about to come. As predicted, Hanbin was the first to break the silence.

“I know that you’re a persistent rascal, but please pay close attention to what I’m saying right now,” Hanbin cautiously began as the words trailed out through his plush lips, looking Junhoe dead in the eyes. He then knew accurately what awaited him. Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but notice the sense of sullenness that ran through his veins, abhorring the fact that the other members felt pity for him.

“I thought I was the only one that had perceived how you haven’t been yourself recently, but Chanwoo mentioned it the evening we went to the karaoke café and the other guys seemed to have noticed it as well. All of us are worried about you, but Jinhwan is the one that’s concerned the most because you’ve been quiet around him. Since I respect your privacy, and since I know you’ll brush it off and tell me it’s nothing, I won’t force you to tell me what’s wrong. Just remember that we’re more than friends, Junhoe, we’re a family. So, if you feel troubled or if you want to let go of whatever emotions that are decaying inside of you, don’t hesitate to come to any of us.”

Hanbin stood up as he walked towards the door. Before exiting, he turned around, a melancholy smile faintly stretched across his face, making the right dimple appear dimly. “I don’t know who you’re referring to in your poems, but I sincerely wish the two of you will find each other through the infinite tunnel.” When Hanbin had closed the weighty door behind him, Junhoe was fixed in his seat, a shock of apprehension rushed through Junhoe’s body, fingers quivering as the urge to gash his flesh ghosted beneath his skin.

He had lost himself, like a dead captain sinking in the torrential sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hesitate to leave a comment below; I'd appreciate hearing whether or not you guys enjoy this piece of work.
> 
> Note: This chapter was inspired by Junhoe's poem "Us crashing". If you haven't read any of his poetry, I highly suggest that you do.


	3. Your smile in my memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three - Your smile in my memory by Shin Seung Hun.
> 
> Trigger warnings: Self-harm.

“Do you guys need anything?” Donghyuk shouted from the front door as he and Jinhwan were putting on their shoes before meeting up with Yunhyeong and Chanwoo to run some errands. The members have been spread around in every direction. Hanbin was nowhere to be found in either one of the flats, nor was he replying on any of the messages that were being sent in their group chat on KakaoTalk. Perhaps he was rotting up in the studio to produce more music, or perhaps he was going out for a twilight hike with their manager, another being who was also completely out of sight. Junhoe wasn’t quite sure of what Jiwon was doing, yet based on the yelling and shouting, and the irritation implied in the distant voice, he presumed that he was too engaged with butchering whoever crossed his way or tried to assassinate him in Overwatch.

Junhoe leaned against the doorway and he felt how one of Jinhwan’s hands suddenly had clutched tightly to his oversized blouse in an effort to balance himself while the other hand was slipping his foot into the ebony, leather shoe. Jinhwan released the fisted hand from the bundle of cloth as he bent down to tie the shoe strings. Junhoe observed how the short, slender fingers held the two laces up to adjust the length to attempt to make sure they’ll be equal. 

“My scented candles are becoming extinct, so I need some new ones,” Junhoe requested while he kept his eyes fastened to the movement of Jinhwan’s hands as he viewed him cross the lace to form a slender, sloppy bow.

“Jinhwan-ie knows which scents I usually get.” The comment made Jinhwan stop in his track as he glanced up at Junhoe’s stature through the strands of hair that had sheltered his face, eyes scarcely evident. Jinhwan whined, his expression modified from endearing to annoyed. 

“Ugh, you mean the ones that smell really intense and gives you a headache?” Junhoe nodded as he sent him an acknowledged look, the response caused Jinhwan to through a fit as he sulked. Junhoe was aware of how much Jinhwan abhorrent the scent of the candles, of how it implied himself as well. The baroque, aromatic odor was suffocating, but it secreted the last traces of the noxious smoke that he sought to veil from his roommates. The delight reaction occasioned Donghyuk’s contagious burst of laughter to echo piercingly in the hallway, Yunhyeong’s could be heard weakly in the vastness.

“Wow, our eldest is seriously the cutest,” Donghyuk commented as he walked out. Jinhwan sucked his teeth as he made an alveolar click, grumbling as he followed Donghyuk. He smacked Donghyuk on the back before he yelled, like a lion cup learning how to roar. 

“Ya, Donghyuk-ah, I’m not cute, but sexy!” Momentarily, another eruption of laughter could be heard. Junhoe couldn’t help but chuckle, too. 

However, when he shut the door closed, he could feel the presence of the melancholy and aggravating emotions that somehow had made their way inside of the flat. The cheerfulness merely lasted briefly before the restrained feelings prickled in the tips of his fingers, edgily waiting to burst out I fury. Junhoe figured his downhearted mood dangled over him like a misty cloud, drizzling his sadness down on him every place he went. It made him feel as if he was an unstable leaf, hovering around infinitely in his own hurricane. 

 

»»———— ————««

 

The numbness had crept into his brain as he titled his head towards the edge of the stool, taking another mouthful of the translucent substance that had affected him through the parakeet bottle. It throbbed as it scratched its way down his throat and through the tube joined to his empty stomach. The alcohol hit him like a deer in the headlights, grotesquely and rapidly, though the embracing death shortly squeezed him affectionately with its open arms; it was sincere; heartening. He kept on drinking, wishing the answer of how he had become a masochist would lie at the bottom of the bottle, and then the next bottle and then another one. 

He had lost the track of the time as it ticked away mutely. Realization punched him in the gut like a boxing bag as he pondered whether or not the remaining members had returned to their apartment. Perhaps they came back and knocked on his door, but Junhoe didn’t recall the sound of anything that resembled a blow on solid wood beside the tune of his song twirling fabulously in his darkened room, nor did he recall if he even locked the door. Perhaps they haven’t come back home at all. But Jiwon was still present, Junhoe was sure of that. Then again, since the members and everyone around them kept stating on how they’re awkward with each other, he knew for a fact that Jiwon wouldn’t violate his privacy, unlike the others, thus a sense of relief washed over him.

Junhoe never allowed himself to be in this state of mind whenever the others were around, however, since the repressed thoughts and feelings were teeming deep down in his intestinal, like an inflatable, chockfull balloon waiting to burst, he felt the need to get rid of them. But Jiwon was there somewhere in the apartment, and Junhoe wasn’t sure of what it was that had possessed him. He enjoyed being alone with the comfort of his own, though he didn’t fancy being lonely. Maybe Jiwon’s presence jogged his memory to remind him of how he shouldn’t completely let go and sink to the bottom as his demons made an attempt to swallow him up alive. It was oddly assuring; comforting in a way words couldn’t describe.

The books on his desk were piled up, like a container that was filled to the brim with dirty apparels. He couldn’t recall where he hid the razorblades, but he managed to find himself a craft knife that had been buried beneath the bundle of papers. The blade had been snapped at the tip and it became blunt to the touch. Junhoe knew it would be more painful than usual. Henceforth, as long as he applied enough pressure to the delicate skin in an effort to break it, the blade would do the work. He skimmed his arm until he found himself a new place to mark. He held his breath as he gnawed on his bottom lip, firmly dragging the razor blade as he destroyed the tissue. It was painful, almost intolerable, and although he wanted to stop, the flood of endorphins urged him to continue; going deeper and deeper. The metallic smell reeked as it penetrated through his nostrils, his heart kept pounding hastily and he nearly dreaded he’d have a stroke if it didn’t leisure its beatings.

As he stood up, his limbs moved chaotically on their own. He felt disconnected from the present, head spinning as he saw a glimpse of heaven. Junhoe wasn’t sure if he had just died or if it was merely the light from his lamp and the rush of adrenaline that caused his body to scream. He eyed down on his arm, his blurred vision admired how the freshly, gashed wounds looked like leaves; like burgundy lace broadening out their marvelous leaves towards his pained smile.

“But I’m so sad,” he opened his mouth as he vomited out the verses of the song forcefully, his gravelly voice conquered the original artist’s. 

“I don’t want to cry anymore,” he continued. A miserable grin was mortared onto his face as he let the words flood through his lips. 

“I want to laugh again.” But instead of laughing, the teardrops spilled down his face, creating his own ocean.

“Hey, Junhoe, do you want to rehearse the choreography–“ An abrupt voice cut through before it died out, words stuck in the mouth of the invader. Junhoe didn’t notice when Jiwon had flung the door open to his bedroom. He stood paralyzed on his spot, eyes growing wide as they traveled back and forth between Junhoe’s blood-stained arm and his face. Although Junhoe should’ve reacted and been frightened of how he had been caught in the mid of his collapse by one of the members, the dazed expression on the other’s face was awfully comical; and thanks to the alcohol that ran through his veins and numbed his body from having a panic attack, he couldn’t help but let out a stifled chuckle. Junhoe sat down on his stool and gestured to Jiwon how he should lock the door shut, and Jiwon complied before he walked up to Junhoe.

The words that were caught in Jiwon’s throat finally dripped out as he found his voice. “Jesus Christ, Junhoe.” 

“Fuck, Junhoe, Jesus Christ! Where did all these cuts come from?” Jiwon asked, petrified. Junhoe pointed his finger at himself, a wide smile extended its way across his saddened expression, revealing his pearly teeth as he slurred a ‘ka-ching’ sound.

“They came from me, hyung! I made them! The one and only, Koo Junhoe!” 

“That can’t be,” Jiwon said in rejection. He didn’t want to believe what he was witnessing. Junhoe raised his bushy eyebrow. 

“What? Don’t you believe me? Here, let me show you.” And with that being said, he took the blood-spattered craft knife in his hand as he attempted to demonstrate how the damage had been done. Yet Jiwon was quick on his feet as he gripped Junhoe’s arm and hauled the knife from his hand before chucking it back down on the muddled counter.

“What the actual fuck, Junhoe!” He spat as he cupped Junhoe’s face, fingers digging painfully into his skin, sharp eyes seething with rage. Junhoe felt diminutive under Jiwon’s gaze. 

“You’re clearly fucking smashed, but you need to stop doing this senseless shit! One wrong move, and you’ll get yourself killed, for the love of God!” Jiwon was bursting with anger. 

“Here,” he said as he dragged Junhoe through the room and out to the veiled veranda. “Sit by the window and get some air, okay?” Jiwon went out to grab a damp cloth and bandages. He suddenly felt the longing to allow the noxious smoke to linger on the palate of his mouth. His limbs felt unsteady and his head was whirling, thus he couldn’t get himself to fetch the pack with cigarettes.

“Hyung, can you bring me my cigarettes and a lighter? They’re somewhere in the pocket of my jacket.” At this point, he couldn’t hide anything from Jiwon, and Jiwon didn’t question his habits. He was still stunned, Junhoe thought. Or maybe he had accepted it. Or maybe he hadn’t. He didn’t know what he was thinking. 

Yet Jiwon brought the small, red package of cigarettes along with with the towel and bandages. Junhoe tried to take out a cigarette and slip it amid his lips to set it alight, but the dried-out blood casing the wounds nipped like thousands upon thousands of papercuts as he shifted his arm. Jiwon hunched in front of him as he took the lighter and ignited it for him. Junhoe took an unfathomable huff as he threw his head up towards the sky, fashioning a cloud he puffed out before perceiving it gradually diminish indefinitely.

The sky lurched into a portentous darkness. The late summer breeze kissed Junhoe’s flushed face, his dark hair twirled sophisticatedly in the air. The coldness helped sober him up, just the slightest; the warmth from the smoke soothed him. He looked back down on Jiwon as he cleaned up his open cuts. It throbbed and burned, but he muffled the pained noises by biting the inside of his cheeks. The sizes of the assorted bandages wouldn’t able to hide the cuts; some were round and others quadrangular, but small in size and most of them were multicolored with loveable prints on them. 

“I love him, hyung,” Junhoe accidentally admitted as he clasped mouth with his hand, his face modified into a shaken expression. He wasn’t entirely sensible, yet he could hear how his consciousness shouted and cursed at him deep down inside. The thought of the words being spread across among them like wildfire horrified him, yet he immediately felt how the weight got had been lifted from his shoulders. At first, Jiwon looked up at him in confusion, however, he momentarily grasped who he referred to as the puzzle pieces came together to form a comprehensive portrait. 

“It’s Jinhwan-hyung, isn’t it, Junhoe?” 

There was a twinge of sadness in Junhoe’s eyes before the tears poured out like a waterfall. He knew. Perhaps they all knew. Jiwon hushed him as he wrapped his arms around his shoulders and drew him in for a hug, fingers softly massaging his scalp. Junhoe buried his face as he damped Jiwon’s shirt with his weeping. The soft hum of his voice and Jiwon’s sympathetic and encouraging words boomed throughout the room. It felt like his being was on the verge of vanishing, yet Jiwon managed to pull him out of the dark and into the light again. He then knew he still existed and breathed.

“Please don’t get the wrong idea, hyung. I don’t do this because of Jinhwan-hyung, but all I do is suppress my emotions until I reach the breaking point. I don’t even know why I’m literally continuously feeling this shitty, and then I do this to myself because it haunts me, and I just want to get rid of it.” Junhoe felt like a madman, and frankly, he wouldn’t be astonished if he truly had become one. 

“Shush, it’s okay, Junhoe, I got you.” He felt brittle and vulnerable as he shivered in Jiwon’s embrace. Jiwon was shaky, too. They remained like that while they waited for the tears ceased flowing out of Junhoe’s aching eyes; until he found the right rhythm of his breath and his heart steadied its beatings.

“Hyung,” Junhoe whispered, his voice came out rough and hoarse. “How did you know?” 

“I’ve speculated for a while now, maybe already from the beginning when you joined the team? Jinhwan used to be bitter about how the rest of you were added to the team, and he opposed getting closer to any of you; especially Donghyuk, Yunhyeong, and Chanwoo. But for some odd reason, he connected swiftly with you. I remember Hanbin and I being dumbfounded, but as a bystander of your relationship, it sincerely melted my heart to see how joyful you made each other. It still does, really. And you guys have this peculiar look in your eyes whenever you look at each other. Like, it’s different from when you guys look at us. I don’t know, it’s just genuine and heartfelt. I’m not sure if Jinhwan feels the same way, though, since he never expressed it, but God– I really hope he has the same emotions as you, Junhoe.” Junhoe’s throat felt tight and the words pitched higher in an effort to squeak out the sentiments that had been bottled up. He tried to speak, but he couldn’t, thus he stayed soundless in his seat.

“Don’t worry, Junhoe, my lips are sealed. I promise that I won’t tell a soul about this. But since I’ve seen this side of you, whenever you feel like you’re about to break, don’t hesitate to call me, okay?” Junhoe nodded, words still caught in his mouth. Jiwon noticed how the tears once again spilled down Junhoe’s face. 

“Look, Junhoe,” he told him as he brought Junhoe’s eyes back to his own arm in an effort to prevent him from crying. It was no longer covered in cuts, Junhoe noticed, but in boundless of flamboyant bandages. “I stole these from Hanbin-ie a while ago. This one got a smiley on it. This one has a bunny– it kind of looks like me, doesn’t it? These have hearts on them in different shapes and colors. Oh, and this one got a rainbow! They’ll cheer you up, okay?” Although they didn’t talk as often as they used to, Junhoe cherished the innocent and jubilant side of Jiwon; how he always made sure those around him were smiling and beaming with cheerfulness instead of feeling miserable.

“How can you be so calm and composed?” He wondered. 

“Honestly? I feel like falling in a faint, but since I’m older than you, I must keep my shit together.” 

“I’m sorry for making you worry, hyung.” 

“Don’t apologize. I should be the one to make an apology for not having noticed anything sooner.” Junhoe didn’t know what to respond to that, thus he stayed quiet. 

“Are you okay now, though?” Jiwon asked to break the silence. Junhoe still felt light in the head. 

“Kind of. But I’m still drunk.” 

“Go to bed. We can talk about this when you’re clear in the head. I’m not going to rush it, so come to me whenever you feel like talking about it.”

“Yeah, I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you, hyung.” Forthrightly, Junhoe was appreciative of how Jiwon saved him from his outlandish nightmare. All it took to keep them closer instead of drifting further away from each other was the secret he had kept from everyone. 

Both jerked when they heard the melody from the front door loop indistinctly in the hallway of the apartment as the front door was being opened. As usual, Donghyuk was the first to speak up. 

“We’re back!” He yelled bubbly, the trace of alcohol reeked in his voice. Before opening the door, Junhoe grabbed Jiwon by the arm, asking him for a request before parting their ways. 

“Can you please pray for me, hyung?” Junhoe asked gently. He ruffled his hair as he nodded.

“God knows you’ll get through this, Junhoe. Just hang on in there.” He softly replied as he turned the handle of the door. Right here in front of them, Donghyuk and Jinhwan looked at them in disbelieve. 

“Oh, my Lord,” Donghyuk remarked while his mouth was wide ajar. “Who on earth would’ve thought that Kim Jiwon and Koo Junhoe would hang out together by themselves? This is truly what you call progress, isn’t it, Jinhwan-hyung?” Donghyuk laughed wholeheartedly as he continued to walk through the hallway. 

“It’s good that you’ve sorted things out,” Jinhwan said as he patted Jiwon on the back. 

“Yeah,” he responded faintly. Junhoe saw how Jiwon heaved a sigh of relief when he left the room and shakily walked towards his own. It looked like he was about to faint for not having enough oxygen to the brain for holding his breath for such an extended time. Jinhwan looked at them in confusion until he noticed how Junhoe’s eyes were inflamed and unfocused. Concern snuck beneath his skin.

“Hey, Junhoe, look at me,” Jinhwan said while he tiptoed to hold Junhoe’s face as he drummed his cheek with his finger, making the younger gain back his awareness so their eyes could meet. Junhoe melted into Jinhwan’s touch. 

“Are you drunk? Did you cry? Did something happen?” 

“What? No, hyung. We just had a sincere talk, that’s all.” And they did. He just didn’t want to get into details about it. God forbid anyone knew; particularly Jinhwan. His heart ached for making him worried, but the anxious expression on his face was adorable. Junhoe was still drunk, and he couldn’t help but let out a chain of chuckles as he covered the hand that had stroked his cheek. Jinhwan’s hand felt tiny in comparison to his own. 

“Why do you always look this cute, Jinhwan-ie?” 

“Why do you always make me worry, Junhoe-ya?” He couldn’t tell him why. Instead, he sent him an apologetic smile. Junhoe saw the sadness dawdle in the corners of Jinhwan’s eyes. Jinhwan ran his hand through Junhoe’s hair as he sent him a distressed smile in return. He huffed out a deep sigh as he took a step back before leaving Junhoe. 

“Goodnight, Junhoe-ah,” he softly told him, freeing his hand from Junhoe’s. 

The warmness disappeared, and his hand felt frosty. “’Night, Jinhwan-ie”.


	4. Ikanaide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter four - Ikanaide by Koji Tamaki.

****

Mighty oaks in incalculable shapes and forms; naked logs bent, vertical, tangled and twisted; entwining roots embracing the lean trunks. Everything seemed to look counterfeit, idealistic and illusory in Junhoe’s eyes. The sun streamed a shaft of alluring gold through a break in the clouds that looked like lily-white marbles on sapphire satin as they lazily floated transversely upon the trees in the glorious nature. It didn’t look realistic but like a dazzling impressionistic piece of art of an imaginary scenery. His eyes darted back and forth at the scenario. Junhoe wasn’t particularly greatly knowledgeable when it came to subjects such as natural science or history, though he knew for a fact that the forest was ancient and rich with antiquity. Perhaps it even counted back to the epoch of the dynastic kingdom during the Joseon era or the absolute monarchy of the Great Korean Empire. It was fashioned by the remnants of the former luxuriant plants that once excelled with vivacity. The leaves had altered their extravagant tones of green to shadier autumnal nuances. Some of them were swaying divinely to the faint rhythm in the primary autumn breeze while others remained immobile on the moist soil as nature’s peculiar carpet. They crackled pleasurably below the sole of his shoes as they shattered into much smaller fragments; like himself whenever he was being gulped down alive by his own frame of mind.

Jiwon’s own feet were mirroring the same motion as Junhoe’s while his heavy footsteps marched upon and traumatized the numerous of leaves that expanded their way out on the pathway. The coldness licked his face and crept under his clothes, the wind tore through his skin as it deviously pierced him with relentless unforgiving blows. Junhoe noted how Jiwon had buried his hands deep inside the pockets of his hoodie in quest of the slightest fraction of warmth from the hardhearted cold. He, too, could feel how the tips of his fingers began to prickle and how his hands were aching unpleasantly.

Neither one of them spoke, and the silence between the two of them was so deep it hurt his ears from the vivid ringing of the tinnitus. Junhoe was astonished by how everyone always tended to grow quiet whenever they were left by themselves with the mere presence of Junhoe. Even the flashiest amid them was left thunderstruck, incapable of finding the accurate words to construct an undemanding sentence. It was nearly humorously amusing.

It was Junhoe who proposed the idea of going on a walk at the crack of dawn in the forest, wandering away from the chaotic urban and growing closer with nature; curing their souls with their senses. Weeks had passed since the incident that had lead them to the growth of a much more profound bond. Of course, the members usual teasing was constant, yet, it had gradually diminished as the time ticked away infinitely. The remembrance of the event that turned their relationship, however, lingered eerily in his consciousness. To be fair, he couldn’t remember much from the incident, bearing in mind the alcohol had swallowed up most of his memory, but merely the most crucial bits and fragments of the event. At first, justifiably, he dreaded Jiwon would perform his action out of spite by unscrewing his lips and stabbing him in the back by telling another being of Junhoe’s doing. Nonetheless, he was aware of Jiwon’s considerate character, thus he assured himself that it wouldn’t be the case. Junhoe drew his eyes away from the striking view of God’s spectacular formation of flora and back on to the inaudible man beside him.

“So, about last time,” Junhoe began as he assembled his courage to finally confront the issue he had avoided to discuss.

“About last time,” Jiwon faintly echoed, like an unconscious android repeating the words of its master in an ultramodern universe. Junhoe remained silent for a moment, hesitant of what he just sought to express. 

“I honestly don’t know what to say, hyung, other than apologizing for upsetting you with the sight of me you know,” he gestured towards his arm. “I guess you can be the interviewer while I’m the interviewee. There are no limits, so just ask me about whatever that will ease your mind.”

“Junhoe-ah, be honest with me,” Jiwon finally spoke, anxiousness loitered in his voice. “You’re not suicidal, right?”

“Suicidal? No, don’t worry about that, hyung. There are obviously days where my curiosity is displeased and unfulfilled and I want to know what it’s like to merely just stand at the very peak of a building, spread my wings and fall fabulously through gravity. Not literally, of course, but metaphorically and poetically speaking, I suppose. But I don’t want to kill myself if that’s what you thought, hyung.”

“Then why do you harm yourself? Like, there are so many ways to rid yourself of whatever is killing you, but why this particular method?” Junhoe opened his mouth momentarily before shutting it close again. It was an exceptional question that even Junhoe himself didn’t know the particular answer for. He did think about it innumerable times, pondering about when and how everything chaotically got out of control.

“Hm, if I have to be completely honest, I don’t really know. I don’t recall much from the first time I did it. Maybe I did it out of spite; to distract myself from whatever emotions that were disturbing me since I didn’t know how to express them. I don’t know, perhaps that’s the reason behind it. But there’s something liberating about doing it, though. How should I explain it? You can almost compare it to a merciless itch that’s been driving you crazy. However, the moment you let your nails drag and yank at the maddened flesh, the itch vanishes, and you’re left with a feeling of satisfaction. Although in this case, you frequently feel remorseful in an instant. It’s like a sin. Mankind tends to rid itself of the temptations of anything sinful by closing its eyes to it; repelling it until the soul aches for what it has prohibited from itself. But once you’ve committed the sin, your body has initially done with it. Perhaps that’s the case with my struggle.”

Again, the silence crept in the air as neither one of them uttered a word. Junhoe felt naked and bare, and he felt a sudden need to crawl inside the other’s cranium to get a comprehension of how Jiwon perceived the status quo. He didn’t know whether if he was wordlessly judging him or if he was attempting to absorb and fathom the new pieces of information he was given.

“I’m just scared, hyung,” Junhoe gently whispered. Jiwon swayed an arm around his shoulder, rough hands carefully massaging the tense trapezius.

“You don’t need to be scared, Junhoe. You know, being alive means you’ll be hurt and feel pained; emotionally or physically. Pain, however, is the indication of you being alive. Whether it’s you or anyone else, seeing you squirm with life is truly a blessing and that’s beautiful.”

“What if he doesn’t like me? Then what?”

“I highly doubt that’s the case since he looks at you with the most admiring eyes and as if his whole life depends on you. But!” Jiwon emphasized as he jumped in front of Junhoe, his chest sized using the characteristic hand-on-hip gesture, one finger pointing upwards towards the azure sky.

“You can just kiss him and then determine if he likes you or not.” The proposition caused an abrupt occurrence of laughter from Junhoe’s behalf, perplexed by the sudden suggestion.

“I thought that I was the one who had gone mad, but you’re the one who’s obviously lost it. You can’t be serious.”

“You better believe I am! Donghyuk kissed him by accident, remember? Did he seem to enjoy it? God, no! It must be something else if it was your lips his had touched.”

“Hyung, I can’t just grab his face and kiss him out of the blue, you know,” he stressed as he wiped the tears away from his watery eyes. It had been a while since he last laughed enthusiastically. Jiwon’s guffaw laughter amalgamated with his own, both of them echoed weakly in the massiveness of the forest. 

“Then how about you both get wasted and confess?”

“I’ve thought about it. A while ago, we sang ‘Drunken Truth’ by Kim Dong Ryul-nim on V App together. It’s disturbing just how precise the lyrics are; how they exactly mirror my state of affairs. Even though we simply sang the song as a duet, I meant each and every word that slid past my lips. Hell, I indirectly admitted my feelings right then and there, both in front of him and the thousands of fans that had tuned in and viewed us.”

“Well? Drunk confession it is then! Now, let’s get the hell out of here. I can’t feel my face or my hands.” Jiwon voiced. His face had morphed into the most precious expression; the vivid mauve locks fell and covered his pierced eyebrow, the beatific smile stretched its way athwart his face, causing his nose to scrunch and his eyes to crinkle. Junhoe couldn’t comprehend how people tended to mock Jiwon for being his appearance, though those same people were blinded by the values of the conventional beauty standards from society. Since they’re visionless, Junhoe supposed they couldn’t dwell on the numerous and ostentatious floras of nature or perceive the passing of the graceful clouds, thus they couldn’t acknowledge his exquisiteness.

At first, it was as if he was walking in the pitch of the darkness, no evident stars to light up the solitary heaven. However, he knew for a fact if he kept on walking, he’d be able to find the daylight that glimmered luminously; the sun and his skin would eventually be caressing one another. 

 

»»———— ————««

 

Imperceptible, the day was nearly reaching its ultimate before the dashes of the lonesome night began to emerge. The opaquer shades wrenched the sun’s cast of its glorious tuscany, tangerine rays that triggered the clouds to blush from a touch of its balmy warmth. Junhoe was sitting on the black leather sofa in the studio, settled between the wall and the equivalent member of the same age, Chanwoo. The members, the producers, the staff, the managers; the almighty swell of humanity filled the insignificant, crowded room. The preparation for their approaching comeback was hectic as usual, yet he was appreciative of how they achieved to persuade Yang Hyuk Suk into permitting them to release a third album within a short span of a year, which was infrequent for any artist to accomplish within the agency. His voice, however, may not have been as appreciative. The relentless hours of recording the songs caused his throat to throb and ache; the somewhat excessive intake of alcohol and tobacco might have irritated the delicate folds of his vocal cords, yet it fashioned a huskier and throatier vocal color in the palette of his tremendous voice.

Hanbin looked as if he was about to suffer a defeat from his unconsciousness and pass out, Yunhyeong and Donghyuk in a world of their own; Jinhwan scrolling through his phone; Jiwon struggling to not give in to the sweet temptation of shutting his eyes and falling asleep; Chanwoo fumbling with whatever he had kept hidden in his pocket the entire time. Junhoe wondered what it was he had kept secreted from the rest of them, though he didn’t give it much thought.

“So, which one of you have lost this?” Chanwoo finally spoke and interrogated as the members were left by themselves in the discreet room. The question caught everyone’s attention, all fourteen eyes were fixed on the small, ostentatious pack of Marlboro cigarettes that he had pulled up from his pocket, at last showing what he apprehensively had kept veiled. The members were looking back and forth between each other with a questioning look lingering in their eyes. Jiwon was observing him, wordlessly querying if he should take the responsibility, however, Junhoe simply shook his head as he declined the request. He lightly snickered at the thought of how he continuously ended up getting antagonized by everyone around him, regardless of how well he succeeded to secret himself.

“I found it in the van earlier today,” he continued. “I asked the managers, but neither one of them smoke this brand.”

“It’s mine,” Junhoe uttered as he drew his hand in front of him, gesturing to Chanwoo how he should place it in his palm and return it. Nevertheless, taking in consideration that Chanwoo had a persistent nature, much like his own, he tugged it back in his pocket.

“Which part of ‘it’s mine’ didn’t you fathom?”

“Why do you smoke?” Chanwoo confronted.

“Why does it even matter to you? It’s doesn’t concern you. Now, give it back.”

“Hm, I don’t know. It’ll damage your voice. Perhaps it’s best if I threw it away?”

“Just so you know, it’s maturing my voice, Chanwoo.”

“Is that why you’re doing it?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“Hey, Chanwoo, stop acting like a rascal.” Jiwon cut off as he grasped Junhoe’s shoulder and moved him away from Chanwoo’s reach. 

“You’ve been acting pretty weird lately. And what is it between you and Jiwon-hyung? It’s odd that you suddenly got all close and what not. You guys are hiding something, right?”

“The fuck is this?” Junhoe asked as he laughed gloomily. “A fucking interrogation? Stop being nosy and mind your own business.” His eyes were scorching with fury, his head felt like a ticking bomb waiting to explode at any moment. As he launched out at the other, two diminutive hands clutched around his bicep with all its might to prevent him from firing up a conflict. Before Junhoe could grasp what was happening, he found himself being hauled out of the studio by Jinhwan. The voices of Hanbin and Yunhyeong scolding Chanwoo for his behavior weakened as they moved through the halls of the mighty building and outside to the parking lot. The biting wind hissed at his skin as they had gotten entirely outside.

“We need to talk,” Jinhwan whispered as he seized for air to graze its way down to his drained lungs, hands still locked around Junhoe’s arm. Junhoe knew what anticipated him, hence he braced himself, nonetheless, his heart was pounding frantically.

 “Yeah, let’s talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment; I'd like to know your thoughts about this piece of work!


	5. Drunken truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter five - Drunken truth by Kim Dong Ryul.

As they entered the convenience store, the drooping ornament at the door tinkled gracefully to indicate their occurrence. From what it looked like, the store was mostly empty, though the shelves were occupied with a myriad of items, thus it made up for the uninhabited void.  The lonesome cashier greeted them with brilliant manner, vaguely bowing in the restricted space he was situated in; his face was disguised by a white mask that was covering his mouth, only exposing the greater part of his face. They moved further into the store, making their way to the corridor with uncountable of flamboyant flasks of liquor. The light from the refrigerator excelled through the bottles; the intriguing tones of the subordinate colors shimmered back at him and aggrieved his eyes with their penetrating reflection. Jinhwan scanned the row with the bottles before he tiptoed and stretched out his arms to grip two bottles of soju from the shelf, noting which one of the two contained the uppermost percentage of alcohol amongst the assortment. Junhoe couldn’t blame him, however. He knew they couldn’t be sober for whatever was about to unfold.

They returned to the counter with the emerald flasks of hard liquor, two cans of beer and some savory snacks to masticate on. The cashier took the items as he skimmed the black lines with the scanner, the mechanism rapidly documented the code as it devoured the data and transferred it to the miniature monitor. Junhoe’s eyes were fastened on the stranger’s movement as he got lost in his own thoughts, visualization how it potentially could’ve been his own life if he hadn’t signed under YG Entertainment. Though, the feeling of a tug on his shirt carried him back to certainty as Jinhwan had titled his head aloft to look up at him.

“Hey, don’t you need a new pack of cigarettes?” Jinhwan asked.

“I almost forgot. Do you sell Marlboro cigarettes? Specifically, Marlboro Red?”

“Uh, just a moment,” the cashier responded as he rummaged beneath the counter, searching for the small familiar, rosy and hoary packet before letting it fall next to the other items.

“And that’ll be 22.400 KRW.” Before Junhoe had the occasion to grab his wallet, Jinhwan had already courteously handed out three trébol 10.000 bills. The money rustled in the safe box before the cashier handed him insignificant and less valuable coins and bills.

“Have a great evening!” The cashier expressed as they left the store, the ornament once again chimed charmingly as they pressurized from the diligent and swarming street and made their way through the narrow alley behind the building; walking away from the glitzy decorative lights and into the obscured hazier gloom.

“Junhoe-ah, do you remember our hide-out?” His voice echoed as it spread throughout the neglected backstreets.

“Mhm, what about it?”

“Since we haven’t had the opportunity to go after our debut, I thought it would be pleasant to pay it a visit. Above and beyond, I highly doubt someone has discovered it since it’s hidden pretty well.”

“Are we getting smashed out in a forsaken park at the middle of the night?”

“Why not? We can add it to our odd-places-we’ve-gotten-drunk list,” Jinhwan chuckled. Junhoe couldn’t see his face clearly, yet he perceived how his eyes had metamorphosed from impersonal to sincere. The hazy spectacle caused his heart to swell.

“Well, show me the way, because I don’t remember the direction.”

“It’ll be my pleasure.”

 

»»———— ————««

 

They walked on the unfashionable railroad, the permanent way was robed in a rosewood, amber glaze of rust, caused by the redox reaction of iron and oxygen mingling with the presence of liquid and humidity; the tracks screeched as they walked upon them, leading them in the direction of the route they formerly used to lead the trains. The playground that once used to radiate with life and exhilaration had altered into something sinister and virtually spine-chilling; the swings sang a hostile ominous song as it caused the hair on his body to rise, like soldiers standing upright at attention. The familiar antiquated street light came into sight as they approached the unnoticed path that was hidden behind it and pointed towards their clandestine locality. Jinhwan flashed the light from his telephone in an effort to be cautious about where they walked. As they moved further through the flourishing path, their eyes recognized the memorable bench that was lush with memoirs, the fashioning of “JUNHOEXJINHWAN” was still engraved in the walnut wood.  

“It looks the same,” Jinhwan said as he seated himself on the timeworn bench, his voice weighty with sentiments while he traced and outlined the rough letters from the bygone days. He supposed Jinhwan was, likewise, evoking the faded reminiscences they once had shared together on the cold, wooden seating when they struggled in unison. Their eyes traveled around as they observed their surroundings. It wasn’t because there was anything in particular to behold, considering the night had malformed everything murky as the moon weakly lit up the inky sky, though they recalled the emotions of sorrowfulness and joy; the hums of cries and lurid laughter.

Junhoe sat beside Jinhwan, their knees scarcely touching. He sought for the cigarettes in the inexpensive plastic bag before sliding one out of the case and in amid his chapped lips as he ignited it. Like fireflies, the glow from the kindled tobacco paper swelled and shrank in the incalculability of the darkness whenever he sucked in the noxious smoke and allowed it to terrorize his lungs.

“Does it taste good?” Jinhwan’s eyes trailed the smoke enthusiastically while he perceived how it rose into the vicious air as it twirled briefly before going extinct. Junhoe looked at him fleetingly before slithering it out of his mouth and in front in Jinhwan’s.

“Try it yourself and tell me,” he cajoled. Jinhwan eyed him tentatively, but instead of letting his mind meander around purposelessly, he drew his lips nearer as he inhaled the bitter outlandish taste. The look on his face changed as he squeezed his face in disgust, breathing out the smoke in an urgency.

“I guess it didn’t taste like what you had in mind?”

“No! It tastes like dehydrated leaves submerged in motor oil. It stinks horribly and tastes revolting! Why do you even smoke this shit?”

“Mhm,” he muffled as he drew in an additional huff. “I guess this is where the tête-à-tête will turn serious and unnerving, so let’s have a drink, shall we?” Jinhwan nodded at the request as he hauled up the liquors and assembled them on the vacant space between the two of them. Junhoe took one of the bottles as he shook and stirred it before unlocking the lid. Since the whole thing was done spontaneously, they didn’t bring any cups to pour the alcohol in, thus he extended his arm in a courteous manner to serve it to Jinhwan. Nonetheless, regardless of his small and slenderer physique, Jinhwan was the eldest. As he took a mouthful of the translucent liquid and allowed it to spread across the palette of his tongue, his face switched into a pained expression. Junhoe’s own facial expression paralleled Jinhwan’s when he, too, swallowed down the forceful alcohol as it excruciatingly grated its way down his throat. 

“Now,” Jinhwan said as he cleared his throat in an attempt to decrease the distressing pain he was feeling. “Tell me why you smoke. Or, no. I want you to tell me everything you’ve kept undisclosed from me.” Junhoe took a couple more gulps followed by an inhale of his abandoned cigarette that had eventually reached its ultimate. He felt how the alcohol flowed through his veins as it progressively numbed his mindfulness.

“I can trust you, right, Jinhwan-ie?” Jinhwan took his hand as his intertwined their little fingers, signifying that a promise was made. He gently pinched and rubbed Junhoe’s knuckle with his slender thumb and index finger, guaranteeing Junhoe that he was dependable. Junhoe took an unfathomable breath as he attempted to steady his heart from shooting out of his chest before he alienated their fingers and rolled up the sleeve of his shirt, exposing the wounded flesh that had suffered from the pitiless drags of the piercing blades. Jinhwan’s eyes were wide from skepticism as they traveled incomprehensible at the countless of pale, yet gaudy scars that had been carved into his skin eternally, struggling to grasp what he was presented. Junhoe avoided his penetrating stare as he finally permitted the words to erupt from within and stream out through his lips. 

“This, in conjunction with my consumption of tobacco and alcohol, is instigated by my depression. My self-destructive behavior is merely cooperative momentarily, hence I continue to engage in these dysregulated habits until I feel a sense of liberation and satisfaction. I know that any form of self-inflicted harm is not beneficial, though it has eased my mind from whatever that was butchering me. I can’t stress how many times I’ve tried to stop, but it’s like walking through a vacant tunnel that’s inhabited with the most desperate low-lives; addicts and vagrants drinking and snorting their memories away until they sink to the bottom as they become oblivious of their environs. But don’t worry too much about it. Jiwon-hyung has been helping me out to avert me for doing shit like this.”

“That day,” Jinhwan spoke as he frowned, trying to recall a memory that was concealed somewhere in his frame of mind. “That time when the two of you left your room, he looked pale and frail and almost stumbled on his own feet while your eyes were swollen. Was it because you told him about this?”

“It was more like him inconspicuously violating my privacy as he confronted me while I was a complete intoxicated mess with blood oozing down from my arm. Of course, I never intended to tell a soul about my doing, however, I was exposed and couldn’t really do anything about it, so I initially let him pick up the shattered pieces of myself and accumulate me back in place. I’m pretty sure the incident traumatized him, though I’m thankful for the support he’s been providing me with. After all, he’s the one who succeeded to free me from my own torments before anyone else could.” He observed how the tears polished Jinhwan’s redden eyes, threatening to spill over at any given moment. Junhoe reached out and ran his fingers through the velvety hair, thwarting him from weeping. He didn’t want him to cry.

“I noticed how your behaviour had changed but never did this cross my mind. I have absolutely no idea of how you achieved to keep this secreted from me, but damn you, Koo Junhoe, you really did an exceptional job at suppressing this demolished piece of yourself that had hidden behind your glorious, luminous smile. You always resembled the sun glowing lustrously at anyone you encountered, though in reality, the sun was agonizingly burning you up in its blistering, livid flames. Next time, I want you to come to me instead of suffering in silence on solitude.” His voice was soft, sweet and appetizing from ripeness, like a mellow persimmon finally matured due the harvest period during the seasonal change. Junhoe wanted a bite – he even momentarily considered Jiwon’s endorsement to taste Jinhwan’s rubicund lips, yet he had to restrict himself.

Jinhwan took another sip of the vile liquid as he drew his telephone out of his pocket, scrolling up and down until he clicked and played an identifiable tune in the substantial night. Junhoe hummed the first verse, his voice filling the hollowness.

“You’re right, I may be drunk. This may be a mistake. When morning comes, I may act like I don’t remember and act uncomfortable around you, but tonight there is something that I absolutely have to say.”

“Whenever I am in front of you,” Jinhwan continued. “I prepare myself to say this, but I always say the opposite thing, turn around and regret it.”

“But now I will declare to you that I have loved you from the start. I love you so much. Even if my sloppy declaration seems corny or unbelievable, it’s not something I’m just saying. I’ll probably never do something like this again, but as the night becomes light, I will hold you in my arms once again and tell you that I love you.” Junhoe’s voice was raw with the repressed emotions. Once again, he found himself indirectly declaring his uttermost love for the one person he treasured dearly. The pounding of his heart, his thoughts and emotions formed a melody of a terrific orchestra. In the beginning, it was peaceful and soft and permitted him to function, despite the impassiveness he felt from the substance he had consumed. Then the violins would play and the struck of sadness would pierce right throw his heart. At last, the almighty instruments’ singings would increase to an upsurge in harmony, thus the fury would burst from his chest in a malicious shout of torment.

“Jinhwan-ie, there’s someone I like.” His unconsciousness had occupied his mind and he found himself speaking instinctively.

“Hm?” Jinhwan hummed as he raised one of his eyebrows, a mischievous smirk crept its way across his face. “Tell me, who is it?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not? I thought we were done with keeping secret from each other!”

“We are, but I just can’t.”

“Then, tell me about this person.” Jinhwan rested his head onto Junhoe’s shoulder, his nose buried in the crook of his collar as he got intoxicated from his scent.

“We’re like a work of puzzle; a complete chaos with no purpose when we’re separated, yet each part of us fits perfectly as we fashion a comprehensive remarkable piece of work.”

“Why don’t you just confess?”

“I sort of have, but we can’t be together.”

“Why?” His voice was barely above a whisper.

“We just can’t.” And with that being said, the darkness took over and conquered his awareness as he defenselessly shut his eyes and dwindled into the dimness.

It was as if they walked on thin ice, uncertain of how long it would take before it crashed and heaved both of them underneath the superficial surface; enfolding their hands while they sank to the greatest bottommost; suffocating them with the abhorrent fluid until they were out of breath.

 

»»———— ————««

 

“Just how drunk did the two of you get?” Donghyuk asked as he and Jiwon had left their apartment to help Jinhwan with getting Junhoe back home. Taking into consideration that the variance in their height and weight were indeed colossal and the fact that Jinhwan himself was somewhat intoxicated, it would be impossible for him to carry him back on his own. Donghyuk was struggling with Junhoe on his back while Jiwon stabilized Jinhwan by holding him nearby.

“He showed me the scars,” Jinhwan faintly muttered, only making it perceptible enough for Jiwon to hear.

“At least you didn’t have to spectate the act of him attempting to cut his flesh in front of you in order to verify that he had formed them.” His voice was breathy, the longing to tell another being of the sacred secret had troubled him.

“He what?” Jinhwan asked in awe.

“Yeah, you heard me. I almost punched him in the face for pulling something like that in front of me. But at least now you know, too. Did he tell you something else?”

“Outwardly, he likes someone.” He responded before they entered the apartment and walked through its hall. Donghyuk had reached the building before them, thus when they took a glance at Junhoe’s room, Junhoe was already positioned in the luxury of his bed as he snoozed stealthily.

Jiwon remained silent before he hesitantly opened his mouth. “Did he tell you who?” Too exhausted to reply, Jinhwan simply shook his head as he quivered his hand while he wished Jiwon to have a pleasant night before he entered Junhoe’s room. Jinhwan kneeled down until his face was equal with Junhoe’s. He was wrapped in profound sleep as he breathed softly in his face; his slim fingers brushed the dark strands of hair away from his veiled face.

“I love you too, Junhoe-ah.” The lethargy that had polished his eyelids had instantaneously disappeared and was substituted with cognizance, eyes great as he gazed back into Jinhwan’s.

 “You what?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I've updated a piece of work of mine this fast before. However, since I'll be occupied for a while, I supposed I'd just write the fifth chapter. So, here you have it!
> 
> Again, don't hesitate to leave a comment. All of your kind words and feedback have merely encouraged me to continue working on "L'amour ivre"!


	6. Where time goes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter six - Where time goes by Takahiro Kido.

Their gazes were fixed at each other’s expressions, both of them looked straight into their own reflection in the drizzle socket of each other’s’ eyes. The spoken words that had snuck through Jinhwan’s lips and out into the blue hang agonizingly in the air, the stillness became too excruciating to bear. The only thing to specify the slightest movement of life in the noiseless and overwrought room was the clock increasingly ticking as it renewed its exhibition of time. Seemingly, Jinhwan knew about and was mindful of Junhoe’s feelings for him. Junhoe’s heart was pounding rapidly, his mind infinitely circulating with thoughts as he endeavored to comprehend and evaluate the expression that had voyaged through his ears and on the road to his brain. A sudden sense of rage and acrimony ran so unfathomably it was problematic to identify its origin. The muteness from the other was almost absurd, and he couldn’t help but permit his lips to form a bitter smile on his face.

The muffled whispers inside of his cranium crept and tickled underneath his skin as they began to govern his senses. Ah, yes. He almost forgot about them. Junhoe couldn’t recall when he last heard the melancholy voices, though he thought he had succeeded to shun and secret them far away from himself and his mindfulness, finally having them nailed down and under control with his dominance, yet both his mind and body had deceived him. The voices never vanished, however, they were merely anticipating for the accurate moment to appear and strike; like a predator waiting to attack and devour its prey, demolishing it until there was nothing left apart from bones, fur, and additional skin tissue. Junhoe’s eyes gleamed with tears that cautioned to erupt and spill over. _Are you going to cry now?_ One of them asked. _Cry and I’ll break your striking face!_ Another one bellowed. The tears that had polished his eyes caused the brilliant night from his window behind Jinhwan to unexpectedly look like an astounding piece of art by Vincent van Gogh where everything looked greater and brighter, indistinct in the most extravagant way possible. _Look into those eyes, Junhoe. Do they look like a pair of eyes that would truly love and cherish you?_ And so, he complied. His own bleary eyes sent indications to Jinhwan’s to find an answer in the absentness, like the wave of the light from a lighthouse, yet he couldn’t find anything.

“I don’t know how you figured it out, but you don’t love me, hyung. At least, you don’t love me the same way as I love you. Maybe you’re saying it because you’re drunk, too. Maybe you’re just saying it because of what I had shown you. You know, if there’s something that I absolutely despise in this world, then it’s when people feel sorry for me. I’m indeed wounded in every way possible, however, I don’t need your pity nor your sympathy.” Verbalizing the words orally hurt more than what he had anticipated.

The poignant whispers and his insensible mind under the influence of alcohol caused him to be in complete rejection of his own feelings as well as Jinhwan’s, yet he could feel just how that rational part of himself shrieked, yelled and wept from deep within his own form as it was being fenced and trapped down by the voices, tortured with the most painful words that triggered his body scream. Junhoe used to be conscious, though they didn’t allow him to believe in the evidence of his own senses. _He doesn’t love you._ No. His rebellious spirit didn’t want to give in to the temptation of the voices’ punitive statements. Junhoe shook his head, eyelashes fluttering as he tried to gain back his awareness. He looked back into Jinhwan’s eyes, searching for an answer for the second time, thus far he still couldn’t find what he was seeking. _Didn’t we tell you? He doesn’t love you!_ Their laughter and the blood pounding in his ears echoed piercingly inside of his head. His heart thumped even more rapid than earlier. His chest became tight as he breathed hard and quickly as if he had run a marathon in one go without decelerating his movement. 

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” He asked distressingly. A rush of dread swept over him as he fought with himself. He looked back into those oceanic eyes for a third time as he was being pulled beneath the smothering water, struggling to find his way back to the coastline. Again, nothing. Perhaps, they were right. Jinhwan couldn’t possibly love him. But then again, who could fall in love with a madman like himself? However, that lucid side of himself didn’t want to accept it as truth.

“I said why the fuck aren’t you saying anything?!” He frantically spat as he held Jinhwan’s chin with his hand, fingers burrowing crudely into the velvety skin of his rosy cheeks.

“What is your fucking problem?!” Jinhwan finally spoke as he yelled back, his facial expression was an amalgamation of fright and rage. Jinhwan’s petite physique was struggling as he attempted to liberate himself from Junhoe’s mighty grip, and Junhoe perceived how Jinhwan looked as if he feared the force of his hold would break his jawbone if he didn’t free himself anytime soon. Jinhwan’s own nails dug grotesquely into the flesh of Junhoe’s hand, and he knew they’d leave palpable outlines of the half-moon across the back of his hand and on his knuckles. The physical pain was tolerable, though the emotional pain felt like as if he had consumed thorny roses, unbearably scraping their way down his throat as they caused his body to bleed from within itself.

“If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t have pained me this badly! Look at me, Jinhwan-ie!” He demanded as he clutched onto Jinhwan’s face once again, obliging him to look him in the eyes. “This is the outcome of you pushing me away! Could you perchance fall in love with this?”

“Me?” He asked. “You’re the one who’s been fucking absentminded! For the past couple of months, I’ve done nothing but worry about you since you began to act strangely. Whenever I’m caring and affectionate with the rest of the members, you become even more distant. Every time I come near you, _you_ push me away! Do you have any idea of how confused I must’ve been because of your behavior?”

“I’m distant? You’re the one who’s shutting me out while you’re getting closer with anyone else!”

“Is this what it’s all about?” Jinhwan asked as he frowned. “Junhoe-ah, is it jealousy?” Jealousy. Junhoe wasn’t quite sure of what it was, however, the term triggered the thousands of mechanical wheels in various forms and sizes inside of his head to tick and snap as they moved in synchronization, causing something to click from within himself.

“After all the shit the two of us have been through together, did you really think you’d become foreign to me and that I’d replace you with someone else? Did it possibly ever befall you that regardless of how close I am with someone else, I’d never let them get too comfortable around me apart from you? Tell me, Junhoe, how do I behave whenever I’m around you as opposed to Hanbin, Jiwon, Yunhyeong, Chanwoo or Donghyuk? Is it the same or do I act differently?”

“Differently.”

“Exactly! Differently!” He stressed. “Then why the fuck are you being oblivious? Everything we have together is fucking different from what each of us has with the rest of them. I love the others profoundly– they’re my brothers, for God’s sake! But there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. My love for you is not brotherly, Junhoe, _I’m in fucking love with you_!” Jinhwan emphasized the expression in an attempt to make Junhoe comprehend how he truly felt. 

“Jinhwan-ie, you don’t know what you’re talking about–“

“No,” Jinhwan cut him off. “Don’t you fucking dare act as if you know about my feelings for you, you bastard! And let fucking go, you’re hurting me!” Junhoe noticed how Jinhwan was bawling. The tears fell hurriedly down his cheeks and over Junhoe’s hand before he let go of his formidable hold, at last sighting how his jarring fingers had to some extent marked the roseate skin. Jinhwan’s raw cry awakened the sober part of himself, snapping him back to his right mind as he became aware of himself and the situation, finally gaining a perception of his emotional fabrication. The sensation of guilt itched his skin as he realized how he hadn’t been compassionate nor having acted from empathy as he had harmed Jinhwan. Before he could form a sentence and ask for forgiveness for hurting him, Jinhwan had already stormed out of the room. He then realized how he had greatly messed up.

“Jinhwan-hyung, what’s happening?” Donghyuk asked ominously as Jinhwan was out of Junhoe’s reach and out in the hall of the apartment, leaving him by himself as he asphyxiated in the dull space filled with weighty sentiments.

_He’s not sincere._

“Shut up.”

_And now he unequivocally hates you._

“Shut the fuck up!” He shouted as he threw the items from his counter down onto the wooden floor with an earsplitting explosion. The loose individual pieces of paper swirled fleetingly in the air, like buoyant feathers before they alighted on the ground with a courteous poise.

Junhoe tripped as he fell back down onto his bed, his face was hidden deeply into his cushion. The sound of Jinhwan’s whimper mingling with the amusement in the voices of the dismembered whispers made his head whirl. Junhoe was trembling and brick by brick, the fixed and sturdy walls of concrete that had held him vertical dropped and collapsed. As much as he tried to stifle the cries and keep his emotions suppressed, the tears vented like water from a dam while the pearl-shaped brackish droplets spilled down his face. The pain penetrated through his flesh as it tore his bones and interiors, crashing against him until everything became blurred and his vision darkened into hollowness. The time ticked and ticked until he forwarded into obliviousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was formerly going to consist of three parts, however, I concluded that I'd include the two remaining parts in the upcoming chapter, thus this chapter is somewhat short. 
> 
> Again, I'd sincerely appreciate it if you could write your thoughts and opinions of this piece of work in the comment section. It's always pleasant to read your kind and supportive words!


	7. Bath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter seven - Bath by offonoff.

The water trickled upon his naked figure as it drizzled and flowed down graciously like the myriad of sprinkling droplets of nature's own tears during the autumnal cloudburst. The cordiality of the water enfolded and embraced him with the encouragement of its warmth as it shielded him from the sinister, frigid atmosphere outside of the shower cabin. The numerous of diminutive fibers within the tense muscles increasingly began to ease with the mere touch of the innumerable of delicate specks that were fashioned of liquid. Nonetheless, the sensation of relaxation from the act of taking a bath didn’t leisure the tremendous and unendurable pain that lingered excruciatingly in the nerves enveloping his head. Junhoe closed his eyes shut as he leaned back and rested his head on the tiled wall. He allowed himself to hinder the sounds around himself and merely concentrate on the soothing note of the specks of water clouting the obsidian floor. And there, in the immensity of the darkness, Jinhwan’s face appeared on the spur of the moment. The remembrance of the incident with Jinhwan haunted him like a heinous phantom, opposing the thought of leaving him by himself anytime soon. Junhoe sighed as he turned off the water and walked outside of the cabin, reaching out to grab the neglected towel that had waited with patience to embrace his body.

Junhoe stared at the misrepresented image of himself in the mirror that had been polished with the moisture of extraneous wetness from the damp. The mirror displayed Junhoe the visual aspect of the individual that those around him saw; those he considered his dearest and most beloved, the fans, the public. However, he couldn’t precisely pinpoint what it was, though the image that the mirror had presented him didn’t seem to be accurate. On the inside, he was pyrotechnic; occupied with gloominess and rage as yet with love and desire. Although because of the lust of his sins, he had to conceal his thoughts from the local cats, thus he wore his black oversized blouse to hide the indefinite traces of a flawed and damaged being. And then, without any announcement, the door to the bathroom was opened ajar as a familiar physique leaned nonchalantly against the frame of the door. Jiwon had his arms crossed as he sent Junhoe a smug grin. Junhoe wasn’t entirely sure if the facial expression was a gesture of self-satisfaction since he might have known a thing or two about the incident that had occurred the former night, or if it was an indication of frivolousness in order to catch Junhoe’s attention. Junhoe took a fathomable breath before breaking the muteness.

“I really fucked up, hyung.”

“Well, duh. That’s pretty obvious.” Junhoe couldn’t help but roll his eyes in vexation at the remark.

“Did you eavesdrop? Just how much did you capture from our fight?”

“Do you know how loud you guys were yelling and screaming at each other last night?” Donghyuk abruptly interrupted as he walked past Jiwon and into the bathroom to grab the lotion on the counter. “The whole building probably heard the two of you! I’m surprised that we still haven’t received a complaint from the neighbors.” The unfavorable judgment from the other astounded him as he tried to wrap his head around the fact that yet another being within their circle knew about and was aware of the circulating issue between him and Jinhwan.

“And now you know as well. Fucking hell, that’s just fan-fucking-tastic.”

“I did, however, tell him to keep his mouth tightly shut and to not tell anyone else about this.” Jiwon assured him.

“Your words are safe with me, though, Junhoe-ah!” Donghyuk uttered as he pumped the lotion and distributed it on both of his palms before applying it on his hands. The sweetness merging with the tartness of the assorted citruses from the citreae tribe persisted pleasantly in the humid air of the bathroom as the crisp scent awoke his senses.

“But what are you going to do?” Donghyuk asked.

“He’s clearly head-over-heels about you, but you were a denying bastard who had the audacity to push him away.” Jiwon continued.

“I really don’t know.” Junhoe ran his hand through his moist hair as he let out a sigh in frustration. And to be frank, he sincerely didn’t know how to handle the situation. Certainly, he wanted to apologize and ask Jinhwan for mercifulness after his haphazard act in which he had pained him, though he surely knew that Jinhwan would push him away and reject him like the frigidity of light if he even dared to approach him.

“Junhoe-ah, let me tell you something. You see, I’ve seen Jinhwan-hyung bawl his eyes out plenty of times; perhaps too many times leading up to this point, though I’ve never seen him cry like _ _this__ before where there was nothing but the traces of anguish and sadness in his teary eyes. Both Donghyuk and I tried everything in our might to prevent him from crying, but he just couldn’t stop. Neither one of us knew how to handle the situation, so we decided to leave him alone as we impatiently waited outside of his bedroom until the sound of his weeping died down since he had eventually cried himself to sleep. And to be frank, I did consider beating the shit out of you for a moment, but I reminded myself of how you were in the exact same situation as Jinhwan, so I prevented myself from causing another scene. However, had it been Hanbin who was present at that moment, he wouldn’t hesitate to whoop your ass, you know, so do count yourself lucky.”

“Well, thanks for not beating me up, I guess. But what’s your suggestion?”

“To have an actual conversation! Clear some shit out--”

“-- and kiss and make-out!” Donghyuk jubilantly beamed as he cut Jiwon off mid-sentence.

“Just do anything!” Jiwon then exclaimed in botheration.

“He won’t talk to me.”

“Of course he doesn’t want to talk to you -- at least not right now, but you have to face each other eventually. And by the way, Junhoe-ah, he mentioned something about jealousy, right?” Donghyuk then went and questioned.

“God, you even heard that part?”

“Not everything, just briefly. But do you agree with the argument of you being jealous?” Again, the term that caused his head to spin ceaselessly like a gyroscope was brought up once again: jealousy. It lingered with bitterness on the very tip of his tongue, akin to a bothersome sensation that’s disturbing the senses on the palette of his lingua.  

“I never realized it until he mentioned it. I always thought that I was being shoved away, nonetheless, it turns out that I was erroneous all along. I don’t believe the issue between us is completely about jealousy, though only partially. Like yeah, I do feel quite provoked whenever you guys are all over him, but honestly? Since I love him dearly, I was always afraid of allowing him to get too close to me, which is why I began to push him away because I wanted to protect him from myself. I know very well that I may come across as a narcissistic bastard, but I’ll never do something egotistical enough to ruin the reputation of the name of our group. Okay, sure! Both the public and our fans are on the top of the moon whenever we get touchy-touchy and display our affection for each other either during our concerts and fan-meetings or on television and radio broadcasts, but that’s fan-service, hence it’s somewhat acceptable in our society since it’s just an act. But would they really be thrilled and supportive if they found out that _ _two males from the same group were dating__?” Junhoe emphasized before continuing to elaborate his point. He knew without any doubt that the public mass would have an aloof judgment with no strings attached. It’s no secret that South Korea’s society is notable for its pessimistic perspective on its LGBT+ community, and Junhoe was aware of how the taboo would merely spark controversy.

“All of us know damn fucking well what will happen if the information reaches the media and is viewed through the public eye. Dating each other is out of the question, thus we can’t be together. Perhaps that’s why I unconsciously began to push him away as I shunned my feelings for him. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Okay, first and foremost,” Donghyuk finally uttered as he broke the hefty silence. “You won’t destroy nor ruin our group’s name for being in love with another member. We sank to the very bottom and failed miserably during Win, but we paved our path and look at us now; no artist within the Korean entertainment industry is like us since we managed to achieve what other artists haven’t been able to. And those who will be against your relationship? I rarely curse at anyone, but fuck them!”

“Oh, shit. You tell ‘em, Donghyuk-ah!” Jiwon commented as he smiled merrily, the facial gesture unveiled and exposed his rabbit-like front teeth.

“We have other artists within our agency that are involved in scandals that are much more severe than what you’re currently undergoing, therefore, I highly doubt that chairman Yang Hyun-suk will oppose the relationship since it figuratively can’t be compared to the other issues. The public has already labeled our agency as scandalous, but at least we’re not fearsome of showing society that we’re indeed human beings with imperfections and genuine emotions.

“Besides, everyone’s kinda gay within the agency, you know.”

“True. And, do you genuinely believe that the final result of this thought of yours will succeed and be advantageous? Ignoring your emotions and forcing Jinhwan-hyung out of your way will only cause the both of you more pain.”

“And you said that you loved him dearly a moment ago, right? If that’s truly the case then I swear to God, Koo Junhoe, you better sort your shit out with Jinhwan-hyung instead of getting intimidated by your own internal struggles and the public’s orientation on this matter. Otherwise, you better believe I’ll reconsider what I said earlier and actually beat your ass.” Jiwon then proceeded to warn. Junhoe rubbed his face in frustration as he stared aimlessly in the room. As much as he wanted to avoid it, he had to talk to him.

“Where can I find him?” He sounded courageous, yet his fingers tingled from the rush of epinephrine and his heart was beating fast against his chest. Instead of answering verbally, Jiwon pointed his index finger up in the air to indicate that Jinhwan had paid Yunhyeong, Chanwoo and Hanbin a visit during the early hours of the tranquil morning.

“Donghyuk-ah, can you contact Yunhyeong-hyung and tell them to, like, get out even though it’s their apartment? And if he asks why then just tell him the truth. At this point, I just can’t be bothered.” Junhoe told him as he slipped his feet into the nearest pairs of slippers they managed to find. He was aware of how the remaining three members were present, thus the conversation between him and Jinhwan would merely spark a great sense of disarray among them. Both Donghyuk and Jiwon sent him an heartening smile before exiting the door to make his way to the upper flat of the building. It was all the encouragement that he needed as he braced himself and headed out.  

»»———— ————««

Junhoe stood motionless in front of the elevator as he waited apprehensively for the number of his story to appear on the small monitoring device on the very top of the wall upon the metallic entryway. However, the more the number decreased as it reached to him, the more uneasy he became, hence before the screen presented the number of his flooring, he hastily made his way to the staircase. Surely, he wanted to get over with the conversation as speedily as possible, yet he had a feeling that it wouldn’t go as easily as he would’ve desired. The stairs twined in an exquisite spiral as the height of it expanded ever upwardly to the remaining levels of the marvelous apartment. While his mind kept wondering ceaselessly about the outcome of the leading event, his legs guided him towards the location of where Jinhwan remained, and before he had a chance to comprehend what had happened, he already stood right in front of a much-acquainted door. He felt faint in the head as his shivering finger dialed the password and the door chimed delightfully before it opened. When he entered the apartment and walked into the living room, he was greeted by the existence of the four other vivacious personalities.

“Jinhwan-ie, can we talk?” Rather than responding, Jinhwan looked at him momentarily before tearing away his gaze. Junhoe understood why he was holding a grudge, yet the noncompliance from the other and Hanbin’s constant physical affection caused the sensation of annoyance tingle beneath his skin.

“Hanbin-hyung, move your hands away from him for a second and give us a moment, yeah?” Junhoe asked calmly, though the traces of vexation was vivid in his voice.

“Why?” Jinhwan suddenly spat. “How come it bothers you when there’s nothing between me and you, Junhoe?”

“Nothing between-- I’m literally losing my mind, fuck! Fine! I really fucked up this time, but at least do hear me out, will you?”

“No, I don’t want to.”

“My, God! Why the fuck are we being like this right now?”

“Ask yourself! You’re the one who was in denial and caused a fucking scene, remember?”

“Hyung, what’s going on?” Hanbin asked as he frowned. “Did something happen?”

“Hey, Hanbin-ah, let’s just leave the two by themselves, okay?” Yunhyeong uttered as he entered the living room. Chanwoo stood silently behind him as he looked at the eldest members wordlessly.  

“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s up! The fuck did you do?” Hanbin demanded once again as he took a step further in front of Junhoe in order to deliberately violate his personal space. Hanbin was close, perhaps too close; their breath mingled together and Junhoe could just about taste the flavor of peppermint from the gum that Hanbin was chewing on. Junhoe laughed bitterly before exclaiming.

“Seriously, Hanbin-hyung, just mind your own business. It doesn’t concern you, okay? Now,” he said as he gently pushed Hanbin away from him. “Get out of my face.” As much as Junhoe enjoyed the delight rush of adrenaline in his system that he felt from playing with the fervent flames of fire, he had to save it for another occasion. At that moment, his heart was longing distressingly for Jinhwan.

“God, enough of this provocation, Hanbin! Stop pushing it and get going! I’ll explain it when we meet up with Donghyuk and Jiwon.” Yunhyeong told him as he raised his voice. He clutched tightly around Hanbin’s biceps before forcing him away from Junhoe’s reach. Hanbin moved along obediently, yet his sharp eyes didn’t leave Junhoe’s until he was out of sight.

Junhoe turned around to the display of Jinhwan clasping his legs on the couch, his eyes watery with tears as he tried to ease the sound of his sniffles. Although Junhoe wanted to scold the eldest for igniting Hanbin, the visual image of Jinhwan being doleful caused something within himself to soften; whenever he looked at him, his whole world shifted as if by magic. He lowered himself until he was approximately on the same height level as Jinhwan in order to approach him, his fingers traced the silhouette of Jinhwan’s fist. Unexpectedly, he didn’t push him away, and Junhoe then dared to speak up.

“Listen, I never intended to act the way that I did yesterday. Frankly, I don’t know what came over me, but I’m so sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, but please do know that I’m sincerely regretful about what had happened. I know I fucked up, I really do, but shit. I’m just afraid, I guess. Dating each other would merely cause a scandal to occur, and I don’t want to destruct our careers. However, both Jiwon-hyung and Donghyuk kept bickering and to be honest? They’re right. Why should I care about what the public has to say if the words manage to spread across the media like malicious gossip? __You__ are the one that I should keep as my focal point. You, Kim Jinhwan, is like a light that reaches every corner of the infinite darkness; the light that I seek refuge in during the times I’m attempting to escape the harrowing grip from my individual battle. You’re my safety and my anchor; the one who keeps me from shattering into countless pieces. I don’t know how you do it, but you illuminate the emotions of love and joyousness that I’ve forgot existed within myself. Whenever I’m with you, I experience the heartening feeling of wholeness. Words can’t express how much I love you.” When Junhoe allowed the final words to slip through his lips, Jinhwan eventually broke the silence as the tears spilled over his flushed cheeks.

“Hey, please don’t cry.” Junhoe lovably coaxed. He wrapped his arms around Jinhwan as he pulled him into a reassuring hug. Jinhwan hand’s clutched Junhoe’s shirt as he cried even harder into the embrace. He ran his fingers through the cottony, delicate hair that grew from his petite head. Junhoe’s heart ached for Jinhwan, however, at the same time, it swelled with the sensation of love and adoration.

“Jinhwan-ie, look at me,” he requested. When Jinhwan exposed his face after having concealed it in Junhoe’s neck, his’ eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks in a glorious shade of crimson. Despite his saddened facial expression, he looked awfully precious through Junhoe’s eyes.

“How come you didn’t throw some punches? Did you forgive me?”

“Maybe. But you’re still an asshole.”

“Well, that’s fair. By the way, does it still hurt? I’m sorry for hurting you.” The outlines of the tips of Junhoe’s fingers were vaguely visible if you paid close attention to the jawbone.

“Not really, but it’s still kinda sore.” Instead of giving it a second thought, Junhoe leaned in as he placed a feathery kiss to the faintly bruised area of his face. His skin felt soft against his somewhat roughened lips.

“How about now?” He whispered, eyes starring at Jinhwan with admiration.

“Better. But it hurts somewhere else.”

“Hm, where?” A seductive smirk was plastered onto his face as he motioned his finger and pointed it to his lips. Despite Jinhwan’s youthful face, he was indeed rather flirtatious. Junhoe rested his forehead against Jinhwan’s, their eyes staring at each other with desire. Again, rather than permitting his mind to drift without aim in the discarded thoughts, he closed the distances between them as his lips made intimate contact with the other pair. The act of their lips lingering at each other caused his heart to leap with pleasure.

He then knew they’d be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the late update, but since I've been very busy (and sick), I didn't have the time to write on this chapter. However, things finally turned out alright between the two of them! 
> 
> The eight chapter will most likely be the very last chapter of this work, though I have a special announcement, which I'll reveal when this piece of work is finished. Nevertheless, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and as always, remember to leave a comment! I love hearing from you guys!

**Author's Note:**

> I had to rid myself of some repressed feelings and emotions, hence I wrote this. It's been a while since I wrote a piece of work including heavy angst, and I'm sorry if this could be triggering. Nevertheless, I hope you'll enjoy it. 
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment.
> 
> Note: In case you haven't read my prior work(s), each chapter is titled after a song which somehow resembles the context of the chapter. Kindly listen to the song while reading it. 
> 
> Keep up with any updates here: https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1653847
> 
> Or, follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/khalostalin?s=09


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